Short Jokes

Why did the blond have a sore belly button?

Her boyfriend was also blonde.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?

The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?

You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

What's the difference between a blond and a brick?

When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around.

What is the similarity between a smart blond, Santa and the tooth fairy?

They are all make believe.

Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?

She was trying to blow the horn.

Why does a blonde wear panties?

To keep her ankles warm.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?

The blonde has the higher sperm count.

What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?

Bonds mature blondes don't.

How is a blonde like a doorknob?

Everybody gets a turn.

What do a blonde and a screen door have in common?

The more you bang them the looser they get.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?

Opens the car door.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why do Blondes wear Pony-Tails?

To hide the Air Valve!

Why is a blonde like a turtle?

They are both screwed when they're on their back.

What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?

If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

Humpme Dumpme.

What is the difference between a circus and a group of blondes?

At the circus you'll find a cunning array of stunts.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?

She peed on her corn flakes.

What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?

"Funny, you don't feel Jewish."

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

She turned it over and used the other side.

What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?

Thanks for the refill.

What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless green vase?

"It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

How does a blonde commit suicide?

She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

Wave to her.

How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?

With a tire gauge! (da da dum!)

How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?

1: She drops her nail-file!

2: Who cares?

3: She says, "Next".

4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in their ear.

How does a blonde like her eggs?

Unfertilized.

How do you drown a blond?

1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

2: Don't tell her to swallow.

3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

What do blondes do in the morning?

Get up and go home.

What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

An interpreter.

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

The joystick will be wet.

What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

Her ankles.

Longer Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on a desert island. They start looking around for a way off the island, and one of them finds a genie lamp. And, of course, each of them gets 3 wishes! The brunette said that she wanted unlimited food that will never disappear, so they wouldn't get hungry. The redhead said that she wanted a really big house to shelter them from the rain and stuff. Then, the genie asked the blonde what she wanted and she said "I want a car door". They all started laughing and the brunette said "you fool! why do you want a car door?" The blonde told her "DUH! so I can roll the window down if I get hot!

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.

She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay," she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.

So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long. Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me neither" says Jed,

"Let's take these things off."

A blond walks into a barber shop wearing a sit of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut. Barber starts to cut the right side then stops.

Barber: "You need to take off your headphones"

Blond: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops.

Barber: "You really have to take off your headphones"

Blond: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber cuts the left side and starts to the back. He starts cutting then stops.

Barber: "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones"

Blond: "I can't, I'll just die!"

The barber starts cutting then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones. She gags then falls to the ground dead. The barber picks up the headphone and listens. *Breathe In. Breathe Out. Breathe In. Breathe Out.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 22!". The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?". The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!". This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!". The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?" "Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' "

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. And for year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp. They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says "since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one" So the brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life-- I just want to go home" and POOF she is gone. The the red head makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" and poof she is gone. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her " my dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

This blonde wakes up in the middle of the night to find her house on fire. Panicked, she dials 9-1-1 and screams "My house is on fire, you've got to come put it out", and the fireman says, "Okay, ma'am, could you tell us how to get there?", and she says "Duuuh, in the big red truck!"

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" the doctor asked.

"All over," said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over? Be more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."

Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts," she cried.

The doctor observed her thoughtfully and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why, yes." "I thought so. You have a broken finger."

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the "Dumb Blonde" jokes. So she went home one evening and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some dumb guy starting telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted with the shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these dumb dumb blonde jokes. I want you to know that THIS blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals!" One of the guys, said, "I don't believe you. What's the capital of Wyoming?" "W," she answered.

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."