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- Three
Pakistanis and three Indians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Indians each buy tickets and
watch as the three Pakistanis buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Indian "Watch and you'll see," answers
a Pakistani. They all board the train. The Indians take their respective seats but all three Pakistanis cram into a restroom
and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He
knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket
in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Indians saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the Indians decide to copy the Pakistanis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with
money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the
Pakistanis don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
Indian. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Pakistani. When they board the train the three
Indians cram into a restroom and the three Pakistanis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward,
one of the Pakistanis leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Indians are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket, please". There's an Indian, a Pakistani and a beautiful woman sitting next to
each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then
a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian sitting there looking perplexed. The
Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. The Indian is thinking "oh bagwan, that Pakistani
must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me". The lady is thinking, "That Indian
must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped." The Pakistani was thinking to himself...
"If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again".
- There's a businessman going
on a business trip and he's worried his wife could be unfaithful during his absence. So he decides he'll get her something
to keep herself 'occupied' with while he's not there to fuck the shit out of her. So he goes to this specialty shop, tells
the cashier his problem and asks for something that would solve his problem. The cashier says he has the
perfect item for what he needs, so he goes to the back and comes back with a box. He opens the box and inside is a magic dildo.
The man is very skeptical of its magical ability so the cashier demonstrates by saying, "Magic Dildo! Wall!" and the dildo
gets up and starts fucking the wall. Immediately the businessman is pleased and said he'll take it. He
gets home and tells his wife he got her something and she asks what it is. He says, "I got you a magic dildo, this is how
it works.....Magic Dildo! Door!" and it gets up and starts fucking the door. She is very surprised at the gift she's gotten
so later that night after he's left she decides to see how good it is. She lays there ass naked and says, "Magic Dildo! Cunt!"
and it starts fucking her, she lays there for a good amount of time hitting orgasm after orgasm and then decides to stop.
But she realizes her husband didn't tell her how to stop it, so she sits there all night with this fake
dick fucking the shit out of her. So she gets up in the morning and realizes she has to go to work, so she gets in her car
and heads off still hitting orgasm after orgasm. This making her hit around 90mph on her drive to work,
so she eventually gets pulled over. The officer approaches the car and says, "Do you realize you were going 90 miles per hour,
what could possibly be your excuse?" She replies, "Its this magic dildo, I cant help it." He replies, "Magic Dildo my ass!!!!!"
So it gets up and starts fucking him in the ass.
- Josh was helping Sally (a blonde)
clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he
noticed a stick of dynamite inside. Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for. She said, "It's part
of my emergency repair kit." Josh said, "I can see that but why?" Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up
one of my tires." A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden
together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting really big. I bet it
is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured
the gas grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep," he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!" The wife
got very upset & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest
of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about
it honey? How about a little loving?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's
the matter?" he asked. To which she replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie,
do you?"
- What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye
kicked the fuck out of him.
- What's the difference between
your penis and your bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
- What's the similarity between
fat birds and mopeds? They're both a great ride until your mates see you on one!
- Two Texans were having lunch
at their favourite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans
got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swallow?" She shook her head 'no.'
"Kin ya breath?" Again she shakes her head 'no.' The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns
her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked
that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls up her skirt, turns her right side
up, tips his hat and returns to his seat. His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have never seen anything like that in
my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend. "Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick manoeuvre works every time!
- One evening a family brings
their frail, elderly mother to the local nursing home in Dublin and leaves her as planned, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast including All Bran and some toast, and set her in a chair
at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean
over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again
she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later on the family arrives to see how yer ol' wan is adjusting to her new home. "So
Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except
them feckers won't let me fart."
- There once was a lady who was
tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put
an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely, 2)wouldn't run
away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So
she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one
day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair
who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said 'I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms
so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you.' The woman replied, 'Yes, but are you good in bed?'
And the man said with a smirk on his face, 'How do you think I rang the doorbell?
- A guy goes to the tatoo parlor
and offers the tattoo artist £1,000 to put a £100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why
he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now." So,
the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a £100 bill
on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the £1000 he
would have paid for the tatoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a £100 bill on his willie. So,
the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow.
And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow £100, she can stay home to do it."
- It's a beautiful, warm spring
morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless
with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the
ape exhibit,they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He
is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress and the husband noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband
suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and
now he's doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla
and slams the cage
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